You Are the Best

From Bhakti Tirtha Swami

Posted Apr. 20, 2005

Dear Maharajas, Prabhus, and Disciples,

Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

I am like the groundhog that lives in the ground and every now and then pokes his head out of the ground. I am like the guy who's being stubborn about death, who every now and then sticks his head out (just like the groundhog) and tries to share something.

I've had so many realizations in these last few months, and there is no fun in trying to keep them to myself. For instance, every time a Godbrother or Godsister came to visit me, I would pray to Srila Prabhupada to allow me to say something to help inspire that devotee in the continuation of his or her services. In cases where Srila Prabhupada revealed an issue to me that the devotee needed to work on, I would try to offer some (hopefully) humble advice.

I learnt so much from all the devotees that came, and they're still writing to me. Hopefully, I shared something that helped them in various ways. Now that I am getting closer to death, I am beginning to look closer at my whole life. I see a pattern, as I was always praying to be forced by Srila Prabhupada to do what was necessary in his service. I can see that I was forced by so much mercy.

As a matter of fact, the very last time I met Srila Prabhupada was when he came to England and he was on his way to Gita-Nagari. I was distributing his books in the then communist countries at that time. Most of you know the story. When he heard I was there, he immediately had Upendra and His Holiness Tamal Krsna Maharaja bring me in to see him. His Grace Krsna Ksetra prabhu and a Hungarian Swami (who later left his body in a car accident) came in with me.

Srila Prabhupada motioned for me to come closer to the table where he was sitting. I came closer, and he then motioned for me to come around his table. At that point he started rubbing my head, and with tears in his eyes, he embraced me and said, "Your life is successful."

We spoke a few words more together, but the main thing I remember is I said, "Srila Prabhupada, if there is anything I have done to please you, it is because you have forced me."

Even in his weak state his eyes got big and he said, "Yes! Just as my Guru Maharaja forced me, I have forced you, and this is how the parampara system goes on."

So this is the essence of my first realization: that we want to be forced by the spiritual master. Our own intelligence, realizations, and conceptions will always have some imperfections, but as we position ourselves to be forced, even though we may have some temporary setbacks, confusion, and issues and make mistakes, we will be pushed forward or even pulled forward in such a way that ultimately we will stay on track.

I was always confused about what Srila Prabhupada meant when he said that my life was successful. After all, I was, and perhaps even now am, full of gross and subtle attachments. I have never heard Krishna's ankle bells, nor have I heard His flute, although, like many of you, in special moments, I have been given special darsanas.

I feel I have received quite a share of special darsanas, even where once Sanatana and Jiva Goswamis introduced me to Lord Chaitanya for a moment. Anyway, my point is not to talk about these kinds of darsanas.

The point is, What did Srila Prabhupada mean by that statement? It is only in the last few weeks that I have fully understood it. Let me share this with you. The nature of my own sadhana and the status of my adhikara are such that I would never have the qualifications to go back to Godhead for —who knows?— maybe hundreds and thousands of years.

But, you see for months, thousands of you have been praying for me, thinking of me, and sending me intense love. Therefore it is all of you who have given me a status far beyond my qualification. Everything has been arranged for me to go back to the spiritual world after I give up this body. How is this happening? First by the unlimited mercy of Srila Prabhupada and also by the mercy of all of you.

So it seems that when he embraced me and said, "Your life is successful," what he was really saying was, "Because I have given special mercy to you, you will have a glorious death."

After all what is life for a Vaisnava other than to leave the body successfully? So, I am indebted to all of you because it is by the mercy of all of you that a candala like me is receiving such blessings. Krishna responds to the prayers of his devotees, and most of you prayed for me to stay even though I asked you not to. My understanding is that those prayers were accepted for something even higher.

Can you imagine how joyful I am, and yet at the same time how sad I am, for so few devotees, or people, are likely to get this kind of sendoff? But it doesn't have to be that way. For instance, we should try to see how to facilitate the devotees with the least status in our society.

Wouldn't it be amazing if every time a devotee left his or her body, practically the whole Vaisnava community around the world would send their love? Eventually it should come to this. You see, every time a devotee leaves, it is a special entity who has given his or her life along with each of us giving our lives to raise the consciousness on the planet. It is such a graduation that it should be natural that all or as many as possible should celebrate this graduation.

Even a few years ago, when I had the first operation on my prostate, devotees around the world prayed for me at that time also. So even then the prayers did not lead to a successful operation. The initial success was that there were no complications, but six months later the same problem came back.

Then years later, when I got the cancer, new problems came forth and the old prostate problem joined the team and got worse. Both cases are so unusual. So many prayers were directed for a successful operation, and the majority of the prayers were so that I could be allowed to stay on the planet for longer. Of course those who prayed that whatever the desire of Krishna and Srila Prabhupada was should happen—we can say that either your prayers were stronger or that all of your prayers were strong but weren't so much for the strength or rejuvenation of the physical body, but were to give love, strength, and protection to my consciousness.

This is why I send out this message today. I want to offer my heartfelt thanks to the entire Vaisnava community, my family, well-wishers, and members of other-faith communities that I have had an impact on. Whilst seemingly your prayers are focusing on my rapidly deteriorating body, your prayers have done something much more wonderful. You have given strength, protection, and nourishment to my soul.

Actually I am amazed at how the soul is still tolerating the physical me. I am sure that the soul is also waiting for me to stop poking my head up like a groundhog and finally lie down and give up the body. This, I am ready to do. After all, I am somewhat torturing myself by staying longer in this body.

There are still a few more of you I think I can help. This is not arrogance. Tthis is due to the powerful nature of how we are all connected by Srila Prabhupada's mercy. It is simply that right now Srila Prabhupada is using me (as he will use all of us) to send certain messages of comfort, perseverance, and determination, to so many of his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, who he loves so dearly.

Now I think you can all understand my mantra a little better: "I am blessed by the best, I will not settle for anything less, and I am now preparing to pass the final test."

You are the best, and you have blessed me. I am not ready to settle for anything less than your wonderful prayers and love. So as I keep repeating this mantra, I want you to keep continuing to pray for me and bless me on, as I have to deal with the final test of departure.

Yours in Srila Prabhupada's Service,

With Love,
Bhakti Tirtha Swami

© dipika.org Apr. 20, 2005