Dear Anonymous,

I had to smile, reading the title of your letter: "Honesty is the Best Policy— Name Withheld," but then I started to read your letter, and I didn't smile so much anymore. I felt really sad. I didn't feel sad so much for what you wrote, but I thought about the title again.

My concern was, Why it is that some people feel they can't say who they are when they are being really honest? Because the way you described yourself can be a description of so many devotees. You aren't an exception. You are an exception in being able to recognize it, come out with it (kind of), and ask for help.

The thing is, you know where you are in life. You also know where you want to go, ultimately. So what do you do? You don't sit back and watch things unfold and complain and be overwhelmed when things don't turn out the way you want them to turn out. Personally, I don't see Krishna Consciousness as a path where if you stick around long enough, by miracle anarthas disappear. We hope they will go away, because it's too much hard work otherwise.

But then we're fooling ourselves. We have to work, make a plan, a roadmap, ask directions, work like hell. You have a problem with coffee. So? You say it gives you stimulation, more interest in life. Sounds like it also gives you a guilt feeling. Now you have to weigh those two things against each other. What's most important to you? having the stimulation or being free from the guilt feelings?

As I read, you aren't pleased with yourself because of this. So choose. If it's such a big thing for you, give yourself the chance to be free from this. You want to be pleasing to guru and Prabhupada, you want to be free from this habit. Make yourself free from it. Make up a practical plan. And give yourself a replacement, a positive thing, whatever that is for you.

You say, "It is honestly more important to me to please myself." Well, you aren't pleasing yourself anyway because you feel guilty and know that you aren't pleasing guru and Krishna. So why keep it up? You're worth more than that.

Coffee definitely isn't worth feeling bad about yourself and what you're doing. Just replace it with something that does make you feel good about yourself and that is pleasing to guru and Krishna. I know it is a physical addiction too, so taper off slowly. Others can give more advice on that.

But before you do that, you have to sit down and think, "What do I want? really want? to drink coffee and feel guilty, or ...?"

You say: "What do I really want? Krishna wants me to show Him. The choices that are presented to me are painstaking."

Why are they painstaking? Because you don't like any of the choices? As far as I can see, you really want to become a devotee, from the core of your heart. The sincerity is obvious from your letter: If you didn't care, you wouldn't write.

So you don't like the choices that are presented to you? Find something else that will get you where you want to go and let you feel happy and fulfilled at the same time. If they were the perfect choices they wouldn't be painstaking. Lay out another road for yourself. Find another alternative. Don't be too lazy to think about how you want to lead your spiritual life in the best way possible. It's your spiritual life. You know best what works for you. Others may say whatever, but you have to live it. You carry it with you in this lifetime and the next, so you'd better feel good about what you're doing.

If you don't like one road or the other, cut out a new path for yourself. Seek an alternative to your present situation that will make you feel happy and fulfilled in your spiritual life. You obviously care enough about it. You just have to do the work. You'll see, it will make you feel good, even more than what you get from coffee. :-)

You say: "Parting my hair down the middle and sweating underneath a cloth over my head and tolerating the insults of others makes me feel like screaming and cracking into a million pieces. I despise being told what to do in every corner of my life. Truly following the path of Krishna consciousness for me is so hard."

To be honest, tolerating the insults of others has nothing to do with Krishna consciousness. "Humility doesn't mean to think less of yourself, but to think less about yourself." Don't allow others to insult you. Stand up for yourself. Claim your right to be in Prabhupada's house and fulfill your role in it— happily.

Your servant,
Subhadra-mayi dasi
subhadra_mayi@yahoo.com

© dipika.org May 30, 2003